Sidebar – Five Burning Questions

Why did you write The Perfect Baby Handbook?: My new-parent friends were going nuts trying to live up to the unrealistic expectations promoted by child-rearing books and I thought they could use some comic relief. There’s just this growing pressure to raise a mythological, ideal infant.
Did it ever occur to you that your friends might want a mythological child? You know, like a very young Poseidon?: You’ve got me there. Perhaps I’ve been presumptuous.

What is a perfect baby, anyway?: Many experts define a perfect baby as “a superior infant whose name is either Ava or Bartholomew.”
Isn’t that definition a bit narrow?: You’re not alone in thinking that. Dr. Vav Martholobew, an associate professor at Yale University, insists that a “perfect baby” is simply a child who’s been given every opportunity to pursue flawlessness and, later, to earn a doctorate at Yale.

Do my wife and I really need The Perfect Baby Handbook?: That depends: Do you have a baby?
Yes.: And a passing interest in perfection?
Me? Nah.: Are you sure?
Hold on, let me ask my wife: Honey, do I have an interest in perfection? Uh-huh…oh, right. [Pause.] Apparently, I once spent eleven hours getting ready for a movie.: What was the issue?
My hair wouldn’t lie flat.: In that case, this is the book for you.

Where can we get a copy?! If necessary, we are prepared to pay with priceless artifacts that our Spanish ancestors plundered from the Aztecs.: Cash or a credit card would be just fine. Try Amazon, or IndieBound.com to find an independent bookstore near you.

My baby is already perfect in my friend Tara’s opinion. What could I possibly learn about parenting from this book?: Very little but, just in case, I’d refer you to the section called “How to Tell if Your Friends Are Just Saying That.”