Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s daughter’s mere existence is endangering her peers, it seems. Hoping to catch Jennifer and Violet, 3, in the scandalous act of going to school, paparazzi routinely mob the entrance of Santa Monica’s First Presbyterian Nursery School—nearly trampling less newsworthy toddlers in the process, reported the Los Angeles Times today. Over […]

» Continue reading "Five ways to render Violet Affleck harmless"

If taken literally, the name of my book, The Perfect Baby Handbook: A Guide for Excessively Motivated Parents, might suggest that I endorse the aggressive perfecting of infants. I don’t. PBH is a deadpan critique of over-parenting—gentle comic relief for those who are raising children in the the midst of madness. Surprisingly, its publication has […]

» Continue reading "Child (nearly) arrested for being a child"

As someone who tries to keep abreast of infant current-events, I regularly check Google News for key words like “baby,” “parenting,” “tiny genius,” and “toddler.” Here’s one thing I’ve found: Nothing good ever happens to toddlers. It’s like there’s some unwritten rule that journalists can only use the word “toddler” in tragic contexts. (Do your […]

» Continue reading "Why are toddlers’ lives so ceaselessly tragic?"