The Perfect Baby Blog

The seven ugliest birthday cakes in America

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

While no few parents are perfect, most try their best, especially in areas such as birthday-cake baking where public failure is particularly awkward.


BAKE-OFF: Nothing says lovin' like something terrifying.

Just ask Guinever, a mommy blogger who inadvertently created this object (right) for her son’s fourth birthday. Allegedly a dinosaur, it looks more like a piece of half-digested asparagus. As she explains, she was the victim of internet fraud:

I followed some instructions online and it just didn’t turn out like the picture. If I recall, it was a line drawing, so maybe the person didn’t actually ever make it themselves. That would explain a lot.

Fortunately, four-year-olds on a sugar high can be remarkably generous when it comes to overlooking cake flaws. Guinever, however, was shaken. In the aftermath, she begged her blog’s readers to post their own cake catastrophes to put hers in perspective. None did.

And so, in the interest of restoring Guinever’s self-esteem, I have collected six other contenders for the title of “America’s ugliest birthday cake.” Which do you think achieves the highest standard of repulsiveness?

1. The Admittedly Ambiguous Grimace Cake


Note the array of question marks. The birthday child would be forgiven for wondering if this were, indeed, a cake, a frosted hatbox, or large quantity of poison. One of my consultants thinks this was an attempt to depict Batman's arch enemy, the Riddler.

2. The Depressed Mouse Cake


This mouse seems so dispirited by the prospect of turning three that she can't even drag herself across the cake to blow out the stupid candle. It is as if she were saying, "Oh, what's the point? Sooner or later, I'm going to find myself trapped in a dead-end job at some mouse-only accounting firm in Denver. If only this pink frosting were quicksand!"

3. The “Oh God, Who Gives a Shit” Cake


The cake gives off an air of neglect. The icing appears to have wilted and died, while those perky alphabet letters are in a state of complete denial. No child should be exposed to this neurotic cake.

4. The Cake with the Lazy Eye


This cake is creepy because you can't tell whether it's looking at you or not. It also has unusually prominent ears for a dessert.

5. The Ill-Advisedly Festive Spider Cake


While there's a certain artistry about the way the baker has used industrial power cords to simulate licorice, this arachnid seems to have eaten too much candy—egged on by his frat-boy spider friends—and then regurgitated it.

6. The Chunk of Prehistoric Tar Cake


At least this cake comes with narrative intrigue: How, exactly, was Dad to blame? By coating it with shoe polish? By gnawing off a corner? By running over it repeatedly with his SUV to drive the evil prehistoric spirits from it? We'll never know.

Related Posts:
Children’s portrait tips, part I
The creepiest perfect babies
Hot craft trend: Diaper wreaths!

What people are saying

  1. once again, you have outdone yourself.

  2. Too close to call between Lazy Eye and Spider.
    Though the hideous Spencer cake almost got my vote when I noticed eyes of prehistoric spirits leering at me from the upper left corner.

  3. i loved the lazy eye cake but al of the are funny and made me laugh out loud
    please do more
    thanks ruth

    ruth schwab
  4. thanks for making me laugh out loud

    ruth schwab
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