Five ways to render Violet Affleck harmless
Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s daughter’s mere existence is endangering her peers, it seems. Hoping to catch Jennifer and Violet, 3, in the scandalous act of going to school, paparazzi routinely mob the entrance of Santa Monica’s First Presbyterian Nursery School—nearly trampling less newsworthy toddlers in the process, reported the Los Angeles Times today. Over thirty parents have formally freaked out.
In response, local Councilman Richard Bloom is proposing a “paparazzi-free buffer zone” around the school. Presumably, the goal-oriented hyenas tabloid photographers would be fined for crossing the line, but if that doesn’t work, here’s a few other suggestions Santa Monica authorities might want to consider:
1. Create a large pneumatic tube between the Affleck mansion and the nursery school’s foyer, allowing Jennifer to send Violet to class more discreetly inside a metal cylinder propelled by old tymey vacuum power. If Violet complains of motion sickness, relocate the school discreetly inside the Affleck mansion.
2. Use a Suri-Cruise Cyborg to temporarily disorient paparazzi.
3. Cancel classes until Violet has time to become an awkward, unfascinating adolescent.
4. Encourage all students, including Violet, to wear Violet Affleck masks, prompting paparazzi to flee in confusion.
5. Make the United States a paparazzi-free buffer zone, destroying tabloid magazines and trash TV as financial models, triggering total economic collapse, ruining Jennifer Garner’s and Ben Affleck’s careers, and leaving Violet’s peers to totter towards apocalypse in peace.
• Sasha Baron Cohen to adopt African baby named O.J.?
• Meet the (fancy pants) new mom of the Obamas’ dog
• Madonna: “I’m saving the earth, one tiny, exotic baby at a time.”