NOT AVAILABLE: Suri Cruise

As previously mentioned, Perfect Baby Handbook headquarters has temporarily relocated to Los Angeles. Silver Lake, to be exact. Though the staff and I had eagerly anticipated the opportunity to study L.A. perfect-baby culture in depth, so far we’ve spied only two infants. One was introduced to me as “very close to perfect.” And I couldn’t argue that this baby’s implausibly ample hair did conjure up a certain cover of Vanity Fair (right).

The other little one, encountered at a backyard barbecue, already had her own handbook (her dad designed The Hipster Handbook) and had eyes as hypnotically beautiful as a Siberian Husky.

I kept wondering where all the other L.A. babies were. Concealed behind a gate in Bel Air? Taking in an extremely introductory acting class at Stella Adler or Elizabeth Mestnik? Meeting with each other in secret Starbucks-For-Babies-Only?

Then I realized they were probably inside cars, which was anticlimactic.

P.S. A glamorous actress floating in the pool where I’m staying just gave me a baby-spotting tip: “Just walk around the Silver Lake Reservoir…they’re all there!”