A look at some very private Mother’s Day moments
Sunday, May 10th, 2009
All over the planet today, offspring took the opportunity to spend a little extra quality time with their mothers, whether at the Olive Garden, a cafe in Marseilles, or a godforsaken desert. Let’s listen in on three of these emotional tete-a-tetes:
1. Mrs. Heather Camel and daughter Emma Augustine Camel
Mrs. Camel: I think you’re dressing too sexy.
Emma: Moommmm! I’m barely wearing anything.
Mrs. Camel: Exactly! I’d like to think you’d have the decency put on a tube top, or at least drape a sensible spaghetti strap over your right shoulder.
Emma: It’s not like you’re exactly covered up. Nice double standard, Mom.
Mrs. Camel: That’s unfair. You know I earn my living as a nude model at the local art college—standing still for hours in ungainly positions just to keep you in iPod apps.
Emma: You are soooo embarrassing. Do you know what my friends call you?
Mrs. Camel (tight-lipped): No, what?!
Emma:(bursts into tears): Lady Camel Godiva!
Mrs. Camel: That’s ridiculous. I would never be seen riding a horse. Now go try on the nice safari suit I got you from Old Navy.
Emma (sobbing): I hate my life!
Mrs. Camel: I love you, too.
2. Mrs. Audrey Seal and her son Oliver Bartholomew Seal
Mrs. Seal: Oliver, how are you enjoying your challenging new class at C.L.A.P. with Claire?
Oliver: I suck at clapping, Mom.
Mrs. Seal: How could that be possible? The interactive format allows you to develop a love of music while spending quality time with me.
Oliver: Mom, have you ever even looked at me? I have tiny, possibly stunted fins. I’m just not built for clapping.
Mrs. Seal (looking away): Don’t say that. I’ll hire special coaches. I’ll—
Oliver: Mom, I just want to nose-paint.
Mrs. Seal (as if to herself): How about tetherball?
3. Mrs. Poppy Swan and her daughter Sybil Mia Swan
Mrs. Swan: Sybil, stop picking your nose.
Sybil: I wasn’t, mother.
Mrs. Swan: Don’t worry, I forgive you. I am elegant and rather perfect. I rarely hold grudges.
Sybil: What about the vendetta you swore out against that Canadian goose who pointed out that you were walking around with a huge grease stain all across your snowy breast?
Mrs. Swan: Sybil, your memory is entirely too impressive.
Sybil: What I want to know is: Why were you eating an enormous bratwurst sausage anyway?
Mrs. Swan: Nanny! Nanny Smithers!
Nanny Smithers, a jolly pig gifted with an innate understanding of the young, arrives.
Mrs. Swan: Nanny Smithers, Sybil has been picking her nose. Would you please bathe her and put her down for her nap.
Mrs. Swan: Swans don’t quibble, Sybil. Now wish me Happy Mother’s Day and be off.
Sybil refuses to speak, even after Nanny Smithers prods her gently with a wet snout.
Mrs. Swan: Beautifully put, as always!