THE AGONY OF DEFEAT: Madeleine loses her Gatorade endorsement deal.

If you happen to be in Phoenix, Arizona, on April 18, and think it’d be both hilarious and loving to watch your baby impersonate a race horse, stop by the Baby Derby crawling contest at the American Baby Faire. Yes, faire, with an “e.” I”m not sure why they went all medieval with the spelling, unless the Baby Derby is preceded by a showdown between two tiny, incontinent cheese-mongers or Shiloh shows up to perform a wistful madrigal.

Just in case you miss the Kentucky Derby analogy, organizers have chosen to hold the event at The WestWorld Equestrian Center of Scottsdale. Presumably, the swiftest crawler will be crowned with a small, exquisite saddle.

To be honest, this trend has already been mercilessly sweeping America for some time. At a 2005 Faire in Illinois, over 500 babies competed hourly to be Chicago’s fastest crawler. The photos here were snapped last year in Atlanta. If some well-meaning Swedish person ever asks you why American children are getting so screwed up, be sure to give the Baby Faire full credit.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY: Hire a baby makeup artist who can deal with sweat.