Amy Winehouse to lurchingly scrawl a children’s book
Monday, April 20th, 2009
So. Amy Winehouse—known for her brilliant collapsing—wants to write a children’s book to inspire the young. The smoky-voiced contralto has been living the clean life in St Lucia, strolling oceanside, penning poetry, and denying plans to adopt local children and tease their hair into beehives every time they finish swimming.
Amy’s book ambitions, however, seem real and Jeanne Sager over at StrollerDerby is proposing titles for the recovering heroin addict’s efforts, including the catchy They Tried to Make Me Go to Preschool, but I Said No, No, No. Here at Perfect Baby Handbook Worldwide Headquarters on Montague Street, we have spent the day brainstorming titles, too—locked in a conference room with only baby carrots and stale chocolate Easter eggs to sustain us. Here’s our top 10 (in no particular order):
• Pop on Hop
• Pat the Dazed, Filthy Bunny
• The Smack in the Willows
• The Lion, the Witch, and the Witch’s Parole Officer, Lt. Carol Matthews
• Where the Wild Things Are Slumped in a Corner, Drooling
• The Little Engine That Couldn’t Finish a Sentence, Let Alone Chug Over a Hill
• Clifford the Big Red Drug Counselor
• Now We Are Six (But Look 45)
• Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Hard-to-find Vein
• Curiously Incoherent George
We also considered Little Halfway House in the Big Woods, but feel it would be better if Amy writes from personal experience and of course, she was not alive during pioneer days.
In Other Amy News: She’s also started her own record label, Lioness Records, seemingly to launch her 13-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield’s singing career and has reportedly been pressuring big-name stars like Lady GaGa to cameo on Dionne’s album. As this video reveals, Dionne shares much of her god-mom’s talent but none of her eye-makeup.
• New mom M.I.A. denies baby name insanity
• Sensible Mom Award: Shauna Sand
• Elderly sex symbol compelled to sing lullabyes
Oh God, I could do this all day.
Crack Vials for Sal— Mary Elizabeth Williams
The Very Jonesing Catepillar
How the Grinch Stole Christmas to Buy Coke
Don’t Let the Pigeon Near the Liquor Cabinet
Cloudy with a Chance of Choking on Your Own Vomit
One Pill, Two Pill, Red Pill, Blue Pill
From the Mixed Up Arrest Report of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
Madeline and the Bad Meth
Guess How Much I’d Love You to Score Me Some E
God, I love some of these Mary Elizabeth (“Crack Vials for Sal” is so melliflous). I would encourage you to join the staff at Perfect Baby Handbook Worldwide Headquarters on Montague Street.— dale
Stop me. NO REALLY STOP ME.
The Runaway Teenage Tweaker Bunny— Mary Elizabeth Williams
If You Give a Mouse a Line of Blow
Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse Where She Keeps Her Stash
Oh the Places You’ll Go without Underpants
Are You My Babydaddy?
The Phantom Crackhouse
My new favorite:
>>>Oh the Places You’ll Go without Underpants
Which reminds me:
Where the Sidewalk Ends Up: Hazeldean— Dale
The Indian in the Padded Cupboard
Sarah, Plain and Tall and Black and Blue
Are You Holding, Moon?
The Very Quiet (Some Might Say “Catatonic”) Cricket
Stumble, Dog, Stumble!
Babarbituates!— Mary Elizabeth Williams
Hop on Pop for a Dimebag— Pat Mulvihill
If I Ran the Circus I’d be Ass-Deep in Smack
On the Day You Were Born I was SO F***ed Up
The Day the Trash Came Out to Play (oh, wait, that’s the actual book’s title…)
Curious George and the Mysterious Baggie of White Powder
That Ain’t No Wocket in Your Pocket…
Can You Tell Me How to Get to Sesamee Street and Score?
If You Give a Pig a Party (She Always Ends up in the Tank)
A Nickel for the Man