As most earthlings know by now, Nadya Suleman is trying to register the word “Octomom” with the U.S. Patent Office. Seems she wants to sell branded diapers and onesies—and wring more cash out of the Brits who hope to film her surplus children regularly until they are 18 years old.

OCTOMARTYR: Patent pending.

Only one problem, reports the Los Angeles Times. A sensitive Texas corporation, Super Happy Fun Fun, has also submitted paperwork to trademark the word for its Fertile Myrtle computer game:

Players “press down on Fertile Myrtle’s swollen belly, and another adorable bundle of joy will be brought into the world.” Each extra baby earns welfare money, with bonuses given for birthing in front of the paparazzi….”

Should Nadya be denied the chance to market her Chicken McNuggets™ children in a respectful, loving manner, I recommend she look into trademarking a similar word. A few suggestions:

OctoGreedyLady™: Captures Nadya’s essence, even it lacks an explicit maternal connotation.

OctoMental-Illness™: A harder sell, but, according to the U.S. Patent Office, this phrase is still available.

OctoMoon™: Might just work for a tasteful line of assless sweatpants.

OctoGiantSunglasses™: Might just appeal to octopuses who crave anonymity.

GloballyDespisedMom™: Refreshingly honest. If there’s one phrase that could sell the crap out of diapers, this is it.

OctoPoissy™: Just thinking outside the box here, but what if Nadya became the official spokesperson of the Parisian suburb Poissy, discreetly changing its slogan from “À Poissy, On S’Amuse!” to “Sponsor one of my excess babies for only 74,560,000 Euros!”

OctoYech™: Short, sweet..

BuyMyExpedientProducts™: Lengthier, slightly more sour…

OctoBer™: Nadya is in a great position to “own” the period between September and November, and market it as the “best month to buy German beer steins featuring my babies’ likeness.”

Octoe™: Nadya’s eighth toe could be a huge best-seller.

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