An Op-Ed piece in today’s New York Times reports on another unforeseen danger: The Forward-Facing Stroller. Apparently, if your baby rides facing away from you, he will hear fewer of your little encouraging comments, such as, “See, Siegfried, that is the correct way to fold a stack of Baby Gap t-shirts.” And will instantly fall behind in language development.

The study the NYT references strongly suggests that, if you want Baby to acquire perfect social interaction skills, you must buy a backward-facing stroller so Baby can see and hear you at all times. This alarmist report overlooks the many other, proven ways you can help your miracle achieve this goal, namely:

1) Arrange for Baby to have his own call-in radio show, immediately following Rush Limbaugh’s.

2) Enroll your child in Templeweishst, the renowned Baby-Finishing School in Lausanne, Switzerland, which has turned out generations of small, skilled chit-chatters with weird accents since its inception in 1931.

3) Do nothing. Reject this latest mommy-guilt-provoking study and stick with your current forward-facing stroller, adding only a large mirror to the front of the stroller so that baby can see your reflection at all times, and a gigantic, strap-on stainless-steel echo chamber so that baby can hear you a little more clearly as he rolls through the park

Refuse to be bullied!