Some of you may have seen this book trailer for The Perfect Baby Handbook on YouTube. Others of you may been too busy living a rich and full life in the wilds of Wisconsin or the vineyards of Tuscany to bother with such things. It doesn’t matter.

What matters now is that we’re all safely together now, and the scandalous story behind the making of this video can be told. This book trailer, the second of three produced to promote the book, was originally going to star Joaquin Phoenix as the troubled father of a perfect baby and Gwyneth Paltrow as a mixed-up stroller saleslady who’s trying to kick a meth habit, but Joaquin had issues with the script. He said the line about “a stroller that can handle the terrain of uninhabitable planets” was bullshit, that no average troubled father would say something so contrived, and that he wasn’t about to participate in “some kind of Miss Congeniality 2 piece-of-crap.”

Once he bailed, Gwyneth said she’s only do it if we could get Johnny Depp. Unfortunately, although Mr. Depp was intrigued, it seems his schedule was too crowded to accommodate, as he put it, “a piece of Miss Congeniality 2 crap.” So we boldly went with no-stars, and, well, the rest is history.