After reading new reports that the dangerously capricious King of Pop wants to adopt a British baby, I felt I better compose an Open Letter to All English Adoption Agencies:

Dear Officials: If you are approached by Mr. Jackson, please remember that, in at least one aspect of responsible parenting—the obscuring one’s children’s faces with masks, towels, bags, and veils—he’s shown very poor judgment over the years. As the following gallery shows, his taste in fabrics and ornamentation has occasionally crossed the line from regrettable to indefensible:


1. Mystery in Pink: Is it loving to dress your kid like the Middle-Eastern spokeschild for Mary Kay cosmetics? Or just mean?
2. Lump-of-Tar-for-a-Head: What kind of parent would pair this daring but somewhat dense headpiece with an orange jumpsuit for an unflattering Halloween-meets-Alcatraz effect?
3. Glamorous Insect: Upbeat! Chic! Not at all reminiscent of the creepy orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut!
4. All-American Psycho: A more classic look, admittedly—suitable for a children’s tea at the Carlyle Hotel, followed by restrained bloodsport.
5. Nemo, Found: This anonymity accessory has its good points, but it cruelly leaves its wearer looking like a large, scaly goldfish.
6. Hangman: Were it not for its cheerful red color, this head-sack would suggest the sort of public asphyxiations that figure prominently in Margaret Atwood’s dark futuristic novel, The Handmaid’s Tale.
7. Little Mr. Muffet: With its delicate web-like pattern, this veil might well leave any child feeling like his new friend—a giant spider—has suddenly turned on him.
8. Bundled Way, Way Up: With this chunky scarf look, Michael seems to have mistaken his offspring’s face for an unusually long neck.
9. Krazy Kat: The eye-holes in this unique mask leave this junior Jackson looking disturbingly feline. What’s that? The mask of a well-known and beloved superhero? Oh, I stand corrected. Great parenting, Michael!

If that were as far as it went, you might be able to hand a child over to Michael with a clear conscience. Unfortunately, it goes further:

10. Carnivale Cutie: Overworked, excessive. Edit, Michael, edit!
11. “How Come Your Stupid Mask is So Much More Cool and Evil-Looking Than Mine?”: I question whether Michael has read up sufficiently on sibling rivalry.
12. When Hairy Met Inconsiderate Parenting: Only acceptable if your child needs to huff, puff, and blow down a small brick house.
13. Study in Saffron: Very nice, until the baby breathes in, and starts gagging on gauze.
14. The Return of Michael Myers: Too harsh, too blocky, too severe—not to mention, too likely to make Jamie Leigh Curtis poop out her Activia yogurt prematurely in an un-strategic location.
15. Tiny Widow’s Weeds: Evokes the timeless image of Jackie Kennedy mourning JFK in December, 1963—not something one typically wants one’s child to evoke.

So there you have it. Despite Micheal’s best efforts to block his children’s peripheral vision in high style, I feel he’s rarely succeeded. Of course, the decision is yours. If you are wondering if Michael I, Michael II (Blanket), and Paris actually have faces, yes, they do: rather blurry ones.