History has proven that infants love stuffed animals—even future despot Josef Stalin cuddled a soft, plush goat named Maruska (which means “tart”). But until lately, babies have generally enjoyed such toys at room-temperature.

Pritty Imports finds that unnatural. Their new Cozy Collection of critters is “filled with wheat and gently scented with French lavender…designed to soothe, warm, comfort and relax.” Sounds pretty standard, but hold on: “Simply microwave for 2 minutes and your Cozy product will bring you hours of enjoyment.”

Sorry, but this is way too sick. Sure, your kid may enjoy the warmth, but what about the trauma she incurs watching you cook her favorite toy every night like an oddly shaped Lean Cuisine? And what happens when she decides to warm up her other toys? Barbie does not take kindly to 8 minutes on High. Thomas the Tank Engine musters less cheer when half-melted. And when the wicked witch in “Hansel and Gretel” threatens to throw Hansel in the oven, will your child simply assume she’s trying to activate his French Lavender scent?

Bonus for children who prefer to shiver themselves to sleep: The Cozy Collection can also be chilled.