I’ve been worried about Madonna. Not only have her entirely natural, 400-pound cheekbones been called into question, her plan to adopt Mercy James, a 3-year-old girl from Malawi, may have run into a snag:

“Our official policy is that we do not encourage our children to be sent into broken homes,” a senior official from Malawi’s Ministry of Women and Child Welfare Development said of the singer, who has romanced 22-year-old model Jesus Luz and Alex Rodriguez since divorcing Guy Ritchie last year. “Her relationships may negatively affect the adoption of Mercy.”

MUTUAL BENEFITS: Octo & Madge

If thing go awry, and Madonna still wants to envelop needy, immature humans in her soft, veiny arms, I have a modest proposal: Why doesn’t she just adopt Nadya Suleman? Yes, Octomom. I’m actually serious. This could work. Examine the advantages:

1. This way, Madonna can adopt in bulk: By rescuing Nadya and her children from a serious case of narcissism, Madonna could—in one fell swoop—get 15 immature new creatures to scatter decoratively around her mansions, totally one-upping Brangelina in terms of meretricious nurturing.
2. Madonna could whip Octomom into shape: The self-made Arterial Girl does not put up with sniveling, incompetence, flabbiness, sponging off government agencies, or a poor work ethic. Within weeks, Madonna will have Nadya putting in 14-hour-days hand-silkscreening concert t-shirts for the upcoming “Madonna And Nadya Plus 17 Tour.”
3. The octuplets will be guaranteed a better future: As precision back-up dancers. They already look alike and Lourdes can hardly be expected to simulate sexual positions onstage alone.

Related Post:
• 10 other words Octomom™ should trademark