PENNILESS: Malia Twist

As you may have heard, President Obama is one of Earth’s most generous dads. Even when he’s tied up at his neither-square-nor-round office, he gives the First Daughters plenty of love, attention, encouragement, and exactly 100 cents to spend a week. Yes, that’s right. As part of Barack and Michelle’s extreme “normal childhood” plan, both girls must cope with a truly shitty allowance of one whole dollar. While I generally commend parents who strive to teach their children the value of money, $1 has almost no value!

I figure that Sasha, who’s only 7, can suck it up, but 10-year-old Malia must be going nuts trying maintain a cool tween lifestyle when she’s so rudely under-financed. Are you aware how little $1 can buy? I recently educated myself and it’s not pretty. Here are 10 of the more desirable objects I found for Malia to splurge on every Saturday while her wealthier friends see Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience for the seventh time:

1. A can of garbanzo beans: Not only are these low-cost legumes a great source of protein and fiber, they may help reduce Malia’s cholesterol level.

2. Rubber gloves: According to the “One Dollar Crafts” website, Malia could easily transform these into “fancy dishwashing gloves,” thereby stunning Washington society.

3. Assorted foam shapes: With this 99-cent set of 75, Malia will have everything she needs to sit on the floor and listlessly move spongey shapes about while bitterly watching Lifetime movies.

4. “Papa Loves Mambo” by Perry Como on iTunes: M.O. could, of course, buy any trendy iTunes selection for only 99 cents, but, given her budget, I suggest she stick with a timeless classic. And the video is dope fo shizzle!

5. A cheap-ass “Dream Wedding” set: Not even the impoverished Malia would dream of a toy wedding kit this trashy.

FUN: A towel accessory!

6. Rust-resistant towel holder: You know the tea towel that the eldest Obama daughter uses to wipe her jealous tears away while she chats on the phone with that school-chum who invests in late-20th Century lithographs? Why not hang it on this?

7. Bill organizer: This coil-bound notebook, featuring a “Scenic View on Cover,” is the “Simple & Effective Way To Track Your Expenses.” If only Malia had any!

8. A selection of plastic turtle corpses: At least they’re low-maintenance.

9. Fifteen uninspiring objects: Not even the retailer can think of anything upbeat to say about this find, but world-famous, 10-year-old beggers can’t be choosers.

10. Colorful wire devices: Malia might get a kick out of these, however, the next time she wants to secure assorted foam shapes to her fancy dishwashing gloves.